There’s never been a time when
goodbye
hasn’t come too soon.
You’ve had a fear of the word from the moment
you left your mother’s womb.
An emotion that was all-consuming,
you didn’t need the definition to understand
you’d rather keep your fingers
wrapped around her hand
than let the word fall from your lips.
Even when you started to grow,
the fear grew with you.
You welcomed “hello’s”
with open arms, accepting of the new
simultaneously rejecting the unknown.
What followed
goodbye
was too uncertain for you
to welcome the concept into your home.
So you pushed the fear down, far below
the surface, as your grip around her fingers tightened,
refusing to let go.
You would have let your hand rot that way:
You would have spent every day
intertwined with your loved ones if you could.
You learned that even when you have to say
goodbye
everything will be okay.
But even after knowing,
the fear never truly went away.
You had your own creation-
another version of you to care for.
Priorities changed as the foundation and core
of your new family.
You passed the fear down a generation
but became the protector. You were who
they looked towards when they were scared.
When nightmares of
goodbye
came to haunt them in the night,
you understood and cared for them.
They could do it on their own,
but even as they’d learn and grow,
their eyes would look to yours for answers.
They’d try to leave their fears behind,
promise themselves that
goodbye
is nothing but a construct of the mind,
and love lives in the heart.
When it was time to extend their line-
put a new generation into the world,
you knew you’d never hear
goodbye.
You were permanently tied together,
a string wrapped around your souls
tethered to each other.
Impossible to unravel;
Impossible to sever
the bond we’ll always have.
I know your curse is mine
because I’m scared of letting go,
I have something to hold on to, and I don’t know
what happens when that word falls from my lips.
Someday I’ll gain the courage,
but until then
the word remains unspoken.
I’ll hold the string that can’t be broken,
the love that never ends,
and for now I’ll simply say
“until we meet again.”
Gwen Pederson, Writing Portfolio 