Gwen Pederson, Writing Portfolio

I moved across the country
with her picture in my wallet
and name held
in my heart. I promised I’d stay true to her
yet forgot about
myself. Stop-light parties
dressed in green; when they asked if I had
a boyfriend I said
“no.”
My teeth bit off my tongue
before I could admit
my heart was stolen by a woman. Men
never seem to think
women are capable of crime. Yet here I was,
brushing off every advance with some
bullshit excuse
like an undercover spy. Breaking your heart
and my own as I continue
painting myself in layers of lies,
the truth seemed to be harder and harder to
reach. Her picture
stays hidden in my wallet; a secret
reminder only for myself
while my roommate plasters her boyfriend
along the walls. My true identity
remains secret
out of fear for my safety
but this undercover work is tearing me
apart as I lose my mind
along with every piece of myself. I look to the sky
begging for some clarity;
as the blue dips into pink
they paint each other purple where they meet
and I cry, wanting
to tear my skin apart to prove I bleed
the same. The
world watches the sunset in awe of its beauty
but I fear they’d shame me
if they knew. Come
out of one cage
just to find myself behind another set of bars,
wallet clutched tightly closed
in my grip. I know
her picture is hidden in my wallet
but it’s been closed for so long
her face is but a construct
in my mind. Overtaken by
undercover work;
so disconnected from who I was
I’m no longer who I am. No ties to the sunset,
happy to have no connection, watching
from behind the glass.
Look down at the leather in my palm
with no recognition;
I drop it without regard for what was
hidden in my wallet.